Monday, June 13, 2011

Addictions...

I debated myself for a while about whether I would write about this or not. Whether I would open myself to such scrutiny and then I realized, this is MY damn blog and for all intents and purposes, it is my personal therapist and I write what I want. I don't give up. Anyone who has ever dealt with me when I'm trying to get my way can attest to that fully. I'm relentless. I'm not vicious or brutal but I want what I want and I usually want it right.at.that.moment. Folks can choose not to read it...or they can take the best part.

That's the beauty of free will, we have choices. Some of the choices we make are stupid as hell but hey, we all make mistakes right? It's up to us whether we grow from said mistakes.

I made a choice at the beginning of this year. I decided I was gonna forge ahead with my plan to do my part in saving our babies by focusing on healing our women so that they could be examples. So many women and girls are abused physically, sexually and emotionally. They are broken down to the point where they begin to believe they are nobody. They begin to forget who they are and hate who they've become. They are so broken that they stop being the victim and become the victimizer. The cycle continues with their children because  it's damn near impossible to love an extension of yourself when you don't love yourself first.

Notice I said 'near impossible'. I work on the theory that NOTHING is impossible, because I know we are divine and can accomplish what we will. At any rate, I decided that I wanted to focus on healing for the mothers and the mothers to be, so that the babies are treated with the highest level of understanding. It's mighty hard for a child to slip through the cracks when their mama is watching every step they take. Sometimes from a distance so as to allow freedom, yet still watching. Always. I wanted to aid in the healing process for those who had their identity all kinds of fucked up because it was beaten out of them or stolen from their womb or worse. And there is always worse. I know this. I know this because I lived it. I was abused by my ex. He had an alcohol problem, and he got very mean when drunk. He stole my ability to give birth to future offspring while he was simultaneously killing the baby inside me. He broke bones, left marks but worst of all...he made me forget who I was. And that kind of damage can last a lifetime. If you let it.

I made another choice recently, I decided to let aforementioned ex back into our lives, under the impression that he was sober and wanted to be a father, thinking I was doing the right thing for my babies. Remember I said some choices we make are stupid as hell? Yeah... He did exactly what I should've expected of him, showed up at my house, late one night, drunk, and ready to wage war on my face. And he did, my face is currently black & purple and my eardrum is ruptured. And I will heal. Again.

My point of sharing that is to say...not everyone deserves another chance. It doesn't make you or us or me a bad person. It's just that some people are so fucked up that they'll never get right. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to heal. So that when we encounter the people who will NEVER hurt us, we are ready for them. We are ready to love them without punishing them for anothers transgressions.

Sometimes, we miss out on beautiful experiences by being too afraid to lose that piece of ourselves that someone was allowed to take away with them. Fear is a hell of a drug. It can cripple us. It can also become an addiction. We become so used to living a certain type of way, that we are afraid to step away from what we know simply because it is different. If we want to live and love again, that fear has to be eliminated. That's no easy task.

It's important to me that women have alternatives. That they have support and a circle of understanding to encourage their growth and development. It's important to me because I know how I isolated myself and how it hindered me. I was embarrassed. And that's ok. But embarrassment is a symptom of that fear. There's no reason to be embarrassed. It wasn't and it never is the victims fault. However, if we don't heal, we continue to put our selves in situations where we are our own obstacle on the path to wellness. My hope is that I help women get out of their own way. And perhaps by giving some of my experience to them, I will in return take some of those pieces of myself back that were torn from me.

Peace

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